Victory

New York Magazine checks in with 30 Rock's Judah Friedlander, whose new act has him unleashing his athletic prowess on all a yalls...

NYM: What sports do you excel at?
Every one. Name one, dude.

Lacrosse.
I don't consider lacrosse a sport. To me that's just a frat activity that got out of hand.

How about downhill skiing?
I do uphill skiing, I don't do downhill skiing. I think that's for nerd amateurs.

Street basketball?
I can dunk with my foot.

Softball?
I play hardball, sorry. I don't need some bloated ball to hit it.

Ice hockey?
Banned internationally.

Why?
I skated too fast, the rink melted, and the team drowned.

Swimming.
I'm banned from swimming. Every time I get in the water all the surrounding chicks jump in. It's really cool, but technically illegal in competition.

Hundred-yard dash?
I just beat a cheetah in the hundred-yard dash, by 70 yards. And I gave him a 50-yard head start.

That must have been demoralizing for the cheetah.
After the race, the cheetah tested positive for steroids. I'm really the best.

Tour de France.
Yes, I've actually won that a few times. I wasn't even in the race. I was just going from point A to point B, and I won it. I was actually coasting for a lot of it.

Are you more of a climber or sprinter?
I can do either one. I can actually coast uphill. I just have really good body control. Good question.

Yoga?
I'm actually banned from the Himalayas, because I'm too good at yoga.

You don't say. I assume it's a similar situation with martial arts?
I am the best martial artist in the world. I have a book coming out about that. I will tell you that I'm an extra-dark black belt.

What about ultimate fighting?
No, I don't consider them real athletes. They do mixed martial arts, that's because they're not good at any one particular martial art and they gotta mix it up. Those guys are all pussies. I've challenged all of them, and they've all backed down.

So basically this is the act?
This is what my act is about, how I'm the greatest athlete in the world.

Judah is performing at the Comedy Cellar in NY on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Get your act together-- pay that man, get some laughs.

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Posted by Pan Tostado on Tuesday, June 17, 2008 at 1:01 PM